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Post by NinjaElephant on Nov 6, 2010 23:09:31 GMT -5
Quandary of the Cricket
The Quandary of the Cricket,
as one might think it so,
is whether or not to rub his legs,
together, to and fro.
One might think it rather odd,
for the problem to be made,
but at looking at the pros and cons,
the decision needs much aid.
He could heavily go to work,
and get all flustered out.
Or rather, rest quite quietly,
just sleep and lay about.
But, alas, what would the night,
be without its noise?
And so our bug fiddles away
filling the dark with joys.
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Post by Kriven on Nov 6, 2010 23:33:00 GMT -5
Hokai, Dr. Seus, let's just get this published and squared away, shall we?
I quite enjoyed it, although I'll admit to having an affinity for crickets. They're just adorable little buggers. I like the way you play with your words, gently teasing them into longer, yet subtle, phrases. You kept the vocab fairly simple and easy to understand, which is always a plus as it will appeal to a larger audience, yet you did add words that had heavier impact than some of their more commonplace counterparts would have. Double points for appeal being mixed with vocabulary.
However, there were a couple moments where the rhymescheme felt a little forced. Just a tadbit, not much to be fretted with, but enough to warrant another look if you're really aiming for absolute perfection. As it stands now, it's already on a level above most children's books with similar rhymeschemes (and I'm referring to those that have been published by the larger houses.) So it's really your call. It's good enough to stand, but as the artist, twist until you feel it is perfect.
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Post by NinjaElephant on Nov 6, 2010 23:36:32 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback! I do kinda feel that the second stanza is a bit forced. Any ideas (even though editing one's poetry is like genetically adapting a person' child for them. It can be done, but usually neither party is extremely pleased with the result)?
EDIT: The redone version:
The Quandary of the Cricket,
as one might think it so,
is whether or not to rub his legs,
together, to and fro.
One might think it rather odd,
for such a problem to arise.
But when pondered thoroughly,
it requires clever eyes.
He could heavily go to work,
and get all flustered out.
Or rather, rest quite quietly,
just sleep and lay about.
But, alas, what would the night,
be without its noise?
And so our bug fiddles away
filling the dark with joys.
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