completely untitled | The Write Club

jsnowdon
N00bsauce

Posts: 8

completely untitled Nov 13, 2010 19:50:20 GMT -5

Post by jsnowdon on Nov 13, 2010 19:50:20 GMT -5

I have forgiven you a hundred times over.
Only you have no idea.
I have forgiven you for having what I cannot
when I fought for what I wanted the most.
I have forgiven you for not understanding
when I came to you with my battle wounds.
I have forgiven you for fast forwarding
when I just needed to hit pause.
I have forgiven you for not being able to catch up
when I needed you the most.
I have forgiven you for not being there
when I looked for you.
I have forgiven you for not seeming human
when I was always falling apart.
I have forgiven you for making me happy
when nothing else did.
I have forgiven you for loving me
when I wasn't ready to love you back.
I have forgiven you for breaking me
when I was beginning to heal.
I have forgiven you for changing
when I became whole again.
I have forgiven you for leaving
when I came back.
I have forgiven you a hundred times over.
Only you have no idea.

Kriven
Administrator

Head Judge

Peek-a-Boo

Posts: 482

completely untitled Nov 14, 2010 0:04:24 GMT -5

Post by Kriven on Nov 14, 2010 0:04:24 GMT -5

I liked this, it hit home with me in a lot of ways. Getting your message out took priority over poetry, which is always a plus. It's rather bothersome when an author leaves you to dig through their pretty metaphors to figure out what they were talking about. Here that's upfront and not hidden.

The repetition never gets boring, never tired or old. It actually builds up a little bit as the poem continues, making you wonder what the next line is. There were moments where this anticipation was bogged down by an unnecessary word, or in one or two rare instances, an awkwardly phrased line.

Ultimately the poem packs a powerful punch, delivering the point home with deadly accuracy. The emotion drips from each word, the style is enjoyable, and I would like to see more of your poetry in the very near future.

toby
Submission Judge

Grammar Nazi

Much of my writing is from my English class free writes, so critique away!

Posts: 576

completely untitled Nov 15, 2010 21:22:59 GMT -5

Post by toby on Nov 15, 2010 21:22:59 GMT -5

I need to agree with Nate. Usually I'm not a fan of repetition, but every once in a while a poem I enjoy sneaks through, and this is one of them. Breaking "show don't tell" works wonders and really puts the metaphorical foot down. It's well written and I'm excited to see what other gems you have in store for the boards.

As resident Grammar Nazi I feel this must be shared. Pay attention, kiddies.

"There's a difference between Mb and MB, hence why capitalization is very important. (Another example is I helped my uncle jack off a horse vs I helped my Uncle Jack off a horse.)"

Moral of the story: Capitalization goes a long way.